A beginner's guide to staying in love.
Love, in its purest form, is a verb.
It's a phenomenon that has inspired countless poems, songs, and philosophical treatises. Yet, for all our collective obsession with love, we seem no closer to unravelling its mysteries. Perhaps that's because love embodies a fundamental paradox: straightforward and profoundly challenging.
Let's explore this contradiction and see what insights we glean about the human heart.
Falling in love can be as easy as breathing. It often happens without conscious effort or decision. I remember the first time I truly fell in love. I felt a connection I couldn't explain. It was effortless, like slipping into a warm bath.
This ease of falling in love is supported by science:
Neurochemistry: Our brains are wired for love. When we meet someone attractive, our bodies release a cocktail of chemicals - dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin - that create euphoria and attachment.
Evolutionary biology: We're programmed to seek out mates. It's a fundamental drive for species survival.
Psychological openness: When we're ready for love, we often find it. Our minds become attuned to potential partners.
But here's where it gets tricky. While falling in love might be easy, staying in love is an entirely different matter. It requires work, commitment, and, often, a fair bit of struggle.
Consider these challenges:
The end of the honeymoon phase: After 6-24 months, the initial rush of chemicals subsides. We're left with the reality of our partner, flaws and all.
Life's pressures: Work stress, financial concerns, and other external factors can strain even the most vital relationships.
Personal growth: As individuals, we're constantly changing. Sometimes, couples grow apart rather than together.
One of the most paradoxical aspects of love is how it requires us to be simultaneously strong and vulnerable. We must be brave enough to open our hearts yet resilient enough to weather potential heartbreak.
I once asked a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary about their secret. The wife smiled and said, "It's simple. We never fell out of love at the same time." This simple statement encapsulates the ongoing choice that love requires.
So, how do we navigate this if love is easy and hard? Let me play Dr. Love and give you a few examples.
Cultivate mindfulness: Pay attention to the small moments of connection in your relationship. Appreciate the easy parts.
Communicate openly: When things get complicated, talk about it. Don't let resentments fester.
Embrace growth: See challenges as opportunities for both personal and relational development.
Practice forgiveness: Remember that your partner is human, just like you. Forgiveness is a crucial skill in any long-term relationship.
Maintain independence: Paradoxically, maintaining a sense of self can strengthen your bond as a couple.
Despite the difficulties, or perhaps because of them, love remains one of life's most profound experiences.
The poet Rainer Maria Rilke captured this beautifully:
"For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."
In my own life, I've found that the most accessible and most challenging parts of love often coexist. There are days when loving my partner feels as natural as breathing, and others when it feels like scaling a mountain. But it's precisely this duality that makes love so rich and rewarding.
I remember a challenging period in my relationship. We struggled with communication and felt distant. It would have been easy to give up, to say it was too hard. But we chose to lean into the difficulty, to do the work of reconnecting. We found a more profound, resilient love on the other side of that struggle.
The key to navigating love's paradox is embracing its ease and difficulty. I want to revel in moments of effortless connection while also being willing to put in the work when things get tough.
Love, in its purest form, is a verb. It's something we do, not just something we feel. It's a choice we make daily, in big and small ways.
So yes, fall in love. Fall hard and fast if that's how it happens for you. But also, choose love. Choose it when it's difficult, requires effort, or stretches you beyond what you thought possible. Because, in the end, it's both the most accessible and most challenging thing you'll ever do.