Why Do We Love Familiar Pain More Than Unfamiliar Joy?
We often fear change more than we crave happiness.
Ever notice how we cling to unhappiness sometimes, even when an opportunity for joy presents itself? It's a strange phenomenon but a very human one.
We often fear change more than we crave happiness.
I remember being stuck in a dead-end job I hated for years. Every morning, I struggled to drag myself out of bed and head into the soul-sucking office.
I dreaded going in, working on mindless tasks, forcing fake smiles, and having small talk. It was miserable, but at least it was a misery I knew.
Then, one day, a friend mentioned they were hiring at their company. It was my dream job—meaningful work, growth opportunities, and a fun culture. I should have jumped at the chance. But I hesitated..."What if the new job is worse?" I thought.
Worried thoughts swirled in my mind about all the unknowns and possibilities for failure.
It took me far too long to quit the job I hated to pursue something better, finally. Looking back, I wonder why I waited so long to embrace unfamiliar joy over familiar pain.
We All Do It
I'm certainly not alone in this tendency. Humans seem almost hardwired to cling to the familiar, even if it's unhappy or unhealthy.
After all:
Studies show over two-thirds of unhappy couples stay together rather than endure the unknown of breaking up.
Many people stay in jobs they despise for decades to avoid the uncertainty of finding a new career path.
Others remain in miserable living situations rather than taking a chance to move somewhere new.
"There is a certain security in misery once we've come to know it," wrote Anne Morrow Lindbergh.
How true those words are! We may not consciously realise it, but we often choose the certainty of familiar pain over the uncertainty of potential joy.
Why is change so hard?
So why are we like this? Why do we avoid change and cling to the status quo, even when it makes us miserable?
A few key reasons:
Change is uncertain, and uncertain things scare us. There's comfort in familiarity.
Our brains are hardwired to avoid threats, and change triggers threat signals.
We underestimate our ability to cope with change and overestimate how hard it will be.
We tell ourselves stories about how the grass isn't really greener on the other side.
In other words, our minds actively work against us, embracing positive change.
But don't lose hope just yet!
How to break free of familiar pain
While our instincts may push us towards the status quo, that doesn't mean we're doomed to cling to misery forever. We can overcome our fear of change, but it takes conscious effort.
Here are some tips:
Notice when you're talking yourself out of positive change due to fear of the unknown.
List the upsides and excitement you could gain rather than focusing on potential downsides.
Think back on other positive changes you initially resisted that ended up great.
Start by shaking up small routines to build your "change muscles."
Surround yourself with people who embrace change as an opportunity.
Focus on the choice between your familiar, painful status quo and an unfamiliar path towards potential joy and growth.
Remember Anais Nin's brilliant words: "And the day came when the risk of remaining tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Unfamiliar joy, while scary, beats the alternative of remaining in that bud of misery indefinitely. Have faith that, while change is hard, it will make you bloom into your best self.
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